Jackass of the Week: Pat Buchanan

I decided not to go for the obvious choice of Jesse Jackson. Why might you ask? Well, quite frankly, he's an asshole and you expect him to say stupid things. It's a different story when you can say a whole ton of stupid things and compile them into a book. That person is Pat Buchanan who wrote, "Churchill, Hitler and the Unnecessary War." Yes, conservatives now believe that defeating Nazism was "unnecessary." Yes, I'm sure my grandfather, uncle, and the "greatest" generation will be glad to know everything they sacrificed was "unnecessary." Buchanan never had all his marbles, but now we know he's just another crazy fucking prick.

Buchanan argues several points in his book:

"* Britain in both years ought to have stayed out of quarrels on the European mainland.
* That Winston Churchill was the principal British warmonger on both occasions.
* The United States was needlessly dragged into war on both occasions (1914 & 1939).
* That the Holocaust of European Jewry was as much the consequence of an avoidable war as it was of Nazi racism."*

Just like Buchanan, I went to Catholic School all my life, and they actually taught something called history. Not, "I write books while doing LSD and looking at what I just did in the toilet." Regardless, it is easy to see how a conservative came to this conclusion (beyond the conservatives are usually fucking morons argument). The Second World War was a success for Democrats and re-cemented FDR as one of our greatest Presidents (Whipping The Great Depression was his first cementing). And they really don't want to admit Democrats have ever done anything right. Conservatives also like to consistently re-imagine history: 9-11 was God's wrath, Reagan was a good President, we were founded to be a Christian Nation. So why not rewrite The Second World War.

On Laura Ingraham (I listened again) today, Buchanan stated Hitler wanted "peace and friendship." He also wanted people to appreciate his art, which sucked. Also, the conditions of his friendship blew. Hitler wrote this on a napkin and had it passed around during one of those European power house mixers:

1. You have to wear a mustache (French are sold).
2. I take your land.
3. I lock up Jews.
4. When I take over Russia, I ass-rape Stalin and you have to bear witness (Brits out, French still in).
5. Mimes will be shot on sight (French out).

Buchanan is also against the war in Iraq, but for torture, so Gitmo is just swell. Buchanan finish this analogy for me: Gitmo : Iraq :: Auschwitz : ______. Yes, on Ingraham he mentioned that Hitler killed the Jews because he, "saw the end coming." But locking up all the Jews beforehand was doing the world a favor by Buchanan's standards. That's like a scene in a movie where the bad guy kills one of the good guys, because the other one wouldn't spill the beans. Yeah, it's the other good guy's fault, not the guy who pulled the trigger.

How about everything Hitler said in "Mein Kampf?" Oh, I suppose that was just him venting. You know what? I'd rather read "Mein Kampf" than this garbage Buchanan calls history. I just read the good parts from various articles. By good parts I mean actual historians making fun of parts of the book.

Buchanan also points out that Germany didn't have a war from 1871 to 1914. So they are not really that bad, because several other countries had wars during this time. 1871 was the end of the Franco-Prussian War, the one where Germany bullied France and stole two provinces. From 1871 to 1914 Germany spent time re-arming, building one helluva navy, and seizing colonies in Africa. Yeah, well they never declared war, they just took massive tracts of land, with force... Slaughtering people.

I wonder if Buchanan forgets Hitler's little "experiment" in Spain. The one where he supplied Franco's army in the Spanish Civil War to test out new weapons, for future campaigns. The campaigns of peace and friendship, with guns and goosestepping.

So the lessons we can surmise from Pat Buchanan's new book:

1. Fascists just want friends.
2. Okay to imprison and kill Jewish people.
3. Franco was cool.
4. Slaughtering liberals in Spain = awesome.
5. If you want to apply for Aryan membership see page 311.
6. Returning members see page 336.

I guess Hitler's Germany was a conservative wet dream. You have you average homicidal, war-mongering, maniac leader, sidelining opponents and pushing an ultra-right-wing agenda. Sounds like someone I know.

Buchanan, over the years has said many terrible things, too many to list here. I have two words for Mr. Buchanan. They are the words of his hero Gen. Douglas MacArthur in regards to military defeats, "too late." The same goes for political disasters.* On a side note, Pat's buddy Ron Paul has written his manifesto. Usually, when people write their manifestos it is time to start ignoring them.

When all is said and done, Mr. Pat Buchanan you, sir, are a Jackass.


* Christopher Hitchens, http://www.newsweek.com/id/141501/page/1